The beginning of the End

Today is the first day of moving. Yesterday was supposed to be, but after work I just did not have the energy to deal with it, so today it is. Tommorow is my day off, so I am sure it will be filled with backing, and moving, and me trying not to cry.

I know that it has been a long time coming, but I don't think anyone ever wants to face divorce. "Seperation," which is what we are dealing with here, seems like step one on the road to divorce. Packing up all of my things feels like the end.

We have been so unhappy with each other for so long that I know this is the right thing to do. The right thing, it seems, is never the easy thing. All i want to do is break down, unpack, and curl up in his arms. Because I love him. But I can't. Because I love my children more. And I need to learn to love myself as well.

He hasn't worked in almost a year, except for the one month in there at the cable company he ended up quitting. So here I am working, going to school, barely getting to see my children, miserable in general, and geting no support from where I thought you were supposed to find it.
My husband spends his days keeping the children alive. I choose to use this phrase instead of taking care of them, or watching them, because while they are showered, dressed, and fed, that is all they are.

My mother says nobody takes care of your children the way that you would take care of them. I believe her, and I try to be understand about it, but I hate that my daughter spends her whole day in front of the television. How hard is it to take her to the park, witch is in our apartment complex, 50 feet away. Take her to the mall and let her run around, Take her to visit her friends, or her grandmother. She told me today that her dollies were her friends. Things like that break my heart.

I think that If i felt like he was trying it would be diffrent. But he isn't. He rarely applies anywhere, not one place all week for example, and he tells me he just wants a job he enjoys. I understand this. I want him to enjoy his job. I also want a roof over our head and food on the table. So when he tells me his big plans, I just want to puke. He was going to put out a rap album, and he was going to get rich through drop shipping on ebay, and then he told me -- my favorite one-- he was going to run for Mayor of Detroit. His most recent one is that he is going to buy houses to rent out.

Now, all of these plans have potential. Well, except for that mayor thing. But you need money to promote albums, make albums, buy houses, etc. and we have none because he will not get a job! And then he gets angry with me for not being more supportive. He told me yesterday that his ex, Stacy, the mother of my step children, was always supportive of all his ideas. Good for her. Maybe she didn't care as much about the roof over her families head as she did about keeping him around. I care. I want a real man who does real, grown man things. Like work 40 hours a week, without bitching.

Anyways, I am off to work. Then moving stuff today. I will try to update more often.