Check in.

I know its been along time. things have been very hard around here the last few weeks. Being a single mom is HARD. I'm so tierd. The kids have had colds, and hear infections, and now it looks like Mr. T has pink eye. I keep getting migranes, and there is a sore on my stomach that isn't going away, i don't know what it is, it just keeps getting worse.

On the upside. We're getting used to living at my dads. We have out own living room, and two bedrooms in the basement. One for me, one for the kids. We finally got our assistance set up, so daycare is being paid for. I got a car that works from my friend heather, Work has been supportive.

Justin and me are unlikely to work things out at this point. He doesn't help. He can't even help by picking up Aislyn from daycare the two days a week i need him to. He was going to have them on his day off, but now he's not even doing that. He told me last night he will see them when he wants to see them. Isn't that convienient for you.

The beginning of the End

Today is the first day of moving. Yesterday was supposed to be, but after work I just did not have the energy to deal with it, so today it is. Tommorow is my day off, so I am sure it will be filled with backing, and moving, and me trying not to cry.

I know that it has been a long time coming, but I don't think anyone ever wants to face divorce. "Seperation," which is what we are dealing with here, seems like step one on the road to divorce. Packing up all of my things feels like the end.

We have been so unhappy with each other for so long that I know this is the right thing to do. The right thing, it seems, is never the easy thing. All i want to do is break down, unpack, and curl up in his arms. Because I love him. But I can't. Because I love my children more. And I need to learn to love myself as well.

He hasn't worked in almost a year, except for the one month in there at the cable company he ended up quitting. So here I am working, going to school, barely getting to see my children, miserable in general, and geting no support from where I thought you were supposed to find it.
My husband spends his days keeping the children alive. I choose to use this phrase instead of taking care of them, or watching them, because while they are showered, dressed, and fed, that is all they are.

My mother says nobody takes care of your children the way that you would take care of them. I believe her, and I try to be understand about it, but I hate that my daughter spends her whole day in front of the television. How hard is it to take her to the park, witch is in our apartment complex, 50 feet away. Take her to the mall and let her run around, Take her to visit her friends, or her grandmother. She told me today that her dollies were her friends. Things like that break my heart.

I think that If i felt like he was trying it would be diffrent. But he isn't. He rarely applies anywhere, not one place all week for example, and he tells me he just wants a job he enjoys. I understand this. I want him to enjoy his job. I also want a roof over our head and food on the table. So when he tells me his big plans, I just want to puke. He was going to put out a rap album, and he was going to get rich through drop shipping on ebay, and then he told me -- my favorite one-- he was going to run for Mayor of Detroit. His most recent one is that he is going to buy houses to rent out.

Now, all of these plans have potential. Well, except for that mayor thing. But you need money to promote albums, make albums, buy houses, etc. and we have none because he will not get a job! And then he gets angry with me for not being more supportive. He told me yesterday that his ex, Stacy, the mother of my step children, was always supportive of all his ideas. Good for her. Maybe she didn't care as much about the roof over her families head as she did about keeping him around. I care. I want a real man who does real, grown man things. Like work 40 hours a week, without bitching.

Anyways, I am off to work. Then moving stuff today. I will try to update more often.

Ok, i'm a slacker

I have not posted in ages again. I got that job and I have orientation Wednesday, I'm going to be working the midnight shift, something like 10-5am. Should be interesting. Three or four nights a week. Fingers crossed I survive it.

Justin hates his new job and has been working anywhere from 10-15 hour days. Not fun. It will also be taking him out of town in a couple weeks for a month to S. Carolina. I have no idea how i'm going to survive. Yikes.

Also, my car is dying. Justin says the head is about to blow. I'm not entirely sure what that means except that my car will then be dead. Since we just spent most of our savings replacing Justin's van that broke down I will be what you call "screwed." Not good. Things like getting to school and work will be a problem.

My baby is 3 months old now! He is such a happy little dude, and has been sleeping consistanly anywhere from 6-8 hours at night. That is so great. He's started reaching for things with his hands, and drool indicates he has begun teething. So far no news on his hips, wich is hopefully good news. I think someone would have called me had there been a problem. His next appointments not for 3 weeks or so.

Aislyn got to go to the zoo yesterday. She has sooo much fun. Her favorite was the chimps I think, but she also really liked the seal and the penguins. She was so cute. Spent the night at her grandma's so I will go get her in a bit.

My gym-ness has slacked off this week, so I need to get back on top of things next week. I've just been very stressed out I guess. I don't know. Marital issues, as always. Yuck.

Survived!

So, we survived Justin's first week back to work! I hate how long his hours are, and the house is definatly not as clean as I would like it to be, but we are surviving. I'm figuring it all out I think. Trying to get down a routine.

soooo tierd

I have been a busy busy girl the last few day. I've been working out every day, at least once a day, and the van is broken so i've been getting up early to drive him to work. I don't even know what all i've been doing, all I know is i feel like I haven't sat down since I wrote that last post.

I'm very sore from all my working out. I actually hit the gym twice yesterday, and me and Dh officially signed up, so I am now a gym member. That means I have to keep myself motivated and keep going because we pay for it either way. Lol. I'm hoping I can keep myself going 5 days a week, although its getting harder already as I am EXHAUSTED right now. Aislyn does not want mommy to take a nap either.

Today is Tristan's hip ultrasound at 1. I'm nervous. I really hope everything comes out okay and they say he is perfect. No mommy wants anything to be wrong with their baby. He is still sleeping his 6 hours a night, and I am grateful. Aislyn, unfortunatly, is not anymore. She is up a couple times a night. I'm hoping that ends soon. I really don't know what to do about it.

Mr. T is the sweetest little baby. We got him a mirror toy and he just lays on the floor and talks to himself. Its so cute. He loves to just be talked to and loved on. The only problem is this means less time for Aislyn lovins, for which I feel very guilty. I know it will get better when he is older, but for now its rough.

Things are looking up

So, Justin starts his job on Monday, thank goodness, and I am actually going to be getting a job too. I'm going to be working part time midnights at a local fast food place. Not glamorus, but a chance to get out of the house some, and to earn some money for myself. I haven't had spending money in over two years, so I am really looking forward to it.

In other good news, I've started going to a gym. I'm going to try to go 5 days a week (no weekends). I'm really enjoying it, and they have a daycare there so I get a small break from the children. It really makes me feel like i'm working towreds bettering myself, wich is something I need at this point. My friend Jenny is my workout buddy, and I think Justin will be coming with me some too, wich means i have people to help keep me motivated. I'm so glad.

The kids are doing well too. Tristan moved into the crib this week, and is now sharing a room with his sister. The first night she didn't even notice, but she was very upset when I laid him down for his nap the next day. She told me that it was her bed and Tristand was not allowed to sleep in it. She does seem to have gotten over it now though and things are going pretty smoothly. Mr. Tristan has learned to self sooth! This is probably the most exciting news and it means is now only getting up once at night to eat. He sucks on his fist and puts himself back to sleep, wich means I get to sleep for good 6 hour streatches. Its so great! I can also put him down awake-but-sleepy and he will put himself to sleep. Aislyn didn't do anything like it untill she was 6 months old and we discoverd the blanky.

Finally, a really happy post.

Woo hoo!

Justin got a job! He's going to be installling cable again, wich sucks because he hates that job, but there will be income again! Hooray!

On the other hand, i'm a little nervous about taking care of both chldren on my own. I've had his help for two months now! I'm sure i will get the hang of it, but it is a bit scary for now. Any tips? I could use them!